In His Own Words: Where I Come From

I never had a coming out story in my family. We never talked about my sexual orientation and identity at home. It’s taboo. As a child I mostly did what all “normal” young boys did.

            I was seven or eight years old when I developed a liking for reading. I started reading Nancy Drew and Hardy Boys stories. I liked the feeling of suspense while I was reading them. Because I found a sense of fulfillment in reading soon enough I started “mimicking” what I read, and wrote my own stories, all with very short dialogues.

            I received praises from my classmates and grade school teachers for writing stories but Papa told me to stop writing because writing was only for girls. He told me to spend my time outside, and play the games that “tough” boys played.

            My Papa was a sabungero and a sugarol.  And his friends would now and then warn me, “wag kang maging bading kasi astig yung tatay mo.” And so, I decided to be astig. I became a bully at school. I played for our baseball team, led the Boy Scout troop, and became an Altar Server in our parish. In and through all of these, I was sorrounded by boys. At the time I belived—or chose to believe—that I was straight. To prove the point, I had girlfriends.

            But there was this one time that I told myself that “oh shit, I’m gay!” There was a basketball court just outside our house, and every afternoon our young neighbors played there. Through a hole in our fence, I lovingly looked at our topless boy neighbors playing basketball. I especially liked it when I caught a glimpse of their underwear and abs. I was on my final year in highschool that time. But I never made any of this obvious. I was afraid.

            When I was young, I dreamt of becoming a priest (influenced by being in the church as an Altar Server). Later on, I convinced myself that I wanted to be a teacher in college and a writer as well. And so, I majored in English and then shifted to Mass Communication. My parents had wanted me to take up Nursing but I insisted on taking Liberal Arts, so that “I could proceed to Law School.” They accepted this logic and allowed me to do as I wanted.

            So, BA it was. I went to Davao City for college. I thought I was already free to do whatever I wanted. The probinsyano in me got excited to explore new and exciting things in the city. I was exposed to the colorful yet challenging gay life in the city because of my friends (who later on came out as queer). At 18, I met a discreet guy who became my first boyfriend. Now and then I thought that it was strange because I was studying in a Catholic school yet there I was, blissfully being gay and going against its teaching. I just pushed this thought aside and continued. A year later, I “came out” to my friends. They all responded, “alam na kaya namin, teh!” I enjoyed my college life because of the acceptance of my friends and also because I became a news writer for the college publication. I never had the chance to write fiction that time.

            After college, I was hired by ABS-CBN Davao as Writer/Segment Producer for a local telemagazine show. It was then that I thought I could write in a more creative way—far from the standards that the other disciplines imposed. I was assigned to a segment called “Misyon Makeover,” that gave free makeovers to deserving people with wonderful life stories. As a TV writer I learned how to research life stories—inside jeepneys, comfort rooms, the public market. But my favorite place to look for unique life stories to be featured was the beauty parlor.

            Around five years ago, I started to write short stories again. Back then, I wrote for myself, primarily. Only now and then would I allow others to read my works. Back then I thought that I didn’t really need readers in order to write. But my engagement with the craft and vocation of writing changed two years ago, when I was accepted as a fellow to a regional writers workshop in Davao. After the workshop, I looked at writing differently.

            The subjects of my short stories before were the “generic” ones—anything, actually, that caught my fancy, and spurred me to write. But when I went to UP Diliman, I was motivated to write more gay-themed stories because I met friends  there who wrote these kinds of fiction, and they were great! In UP, I took up an MA in Media Studies (Broadcast), but I as much as I could I tried to get electives relevant to writing—courses from the Creative Writing and Comparative Literatute programs, to be exact.

            I describe myself as a “lazy writer.” I envy friends who keep a strict writing schedule. What I do have is a list on my phone, which I call “Prospect Istorya.” This is a list of plotlines that are potential fictional projects.  To date, I have 14 stories yet to be written.

            I personally didn’t have a familial coming out story. It is through the stories I now write that I am able to come out. Today, as I’m a self-avowed gay man and teacher who advocates LGBTQ and Lumad rights, I understand that the writing of life stories is critical. I now understand that my writing cannot be separated from my identity as a confidently gay man.